Crying-it-Out: Had to give it a try

My son's been a co-sleeper since he was 5 months old; he' s now 20 months old.  For months now our little Mister's been taking up to 1.5hrs to wind down and fall asleep at nap times, and it's been my hubby's responsibility (twice a day) to do this...plus again in the evening at bedtime!  It's just ridiculous!  And it's critical time that we (Mommy and Daddy) could be spending together to improve our relationship! 

With me being home with our son this week and next, Hubby and I decided that for the sake of our marriage relationship and sanity, we had no other choice but to get our little Mister sleeping on his own at nap times and that letting him Cry-it-Out (CIO) would be the only way we'd ever get him to be able to fall asleep on his own.  I've been dreaming of being able to put him in his crib awake at nap times and walking away and him being able to fall asleep on his own...he does this at daycare!

Yesterday for his afternoon nap I started this process.  Took him upstairs when he was good and tired, told him it was time he napped alone and that I would be back to see him after his nap...and I left the room.  He screamed...bloody murder...for...three...long...hours!  He never fell asleep.  My hubby came home from work and got the "enjoy" the last hour of screaming while he held me as I cried my heart out.  We decided this wasn't right and we would go get our son and NEVER try this again.  When I opened his door to get him, I was slapped in the face with the stench of dirty diaper; my broken heart cracked even more.  How long had he been messy?   How could I do that do him?  Total and utter cruelty, to allow my child to be in a dirty diaper like that, screaming his head off to get my attention and me "sticking to my guns" that he was going to fall asleep alone and I was NOT going to go to him.  That is NOT the kind of parent I am!

I scooped him into my arms, both of us crying and hugged him to me as I carried him to the change table and through my tears cleaned him up.  We sat together on the bed and hugged more.  I reached for a tissue to blow my nose, wipe my tears.  Then he did the SWEETEST THING; with a big, oh-so-cute smile he climbed off my lap and grabbed a second tissue and reached out to wipe my face!  This is the child I just left screaming alone for three hours!  How forgiving, how innocent! 

At this point my hubby and I have decided that Crying-it-out is not going to work for our family.  We plan to resume our old ways; knowing that he won't demand co-sleeping at nap times forever.

Confused, Torn & Stressed about Our Sleeping Arrangements

My hubby's been sleeping in a separate room since our son was only 3 weeks old, (at the recommendation of a therapist/counselor who suggested the arrangement so he would get sleep while I took care of the baby at night).   My son began sleeping in a bassinet, but we have been co-sleeping since he was 5 mths old.  This arrangement has worked wonderfully for our family...but I am no longer so sure it's wonderful...

Our little man is now 14.5 months.  We have been using tips from The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley for the last few months to get him used to his crib.  Instead of bringing his crib into my room, we moved my bed into his room.  He still hates his crib and cannot be placed in it when he's awake.  He has to be sound asleep beside me in bed and only then be moved into the crib.  He lasts in there for anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hrs and then wakes and needs to come back to bed with me. 

Our little Mister is a "high-needs baby" as defined by Dr. W. Sears (our son is very similar to the Dr's 4th child which he writes about).  He is a wonderfully happy little guy, content and confident...as long as he is close to me (and breasts) at nap-time/bedtime and throughout the night.  People have often commented that he is the happiest baby they've ever seen.  I think it stems directly from the close bond and deep trust he has in me and his Daddy, that his world is complete and that we meet his intense needs of closeness and love.

So why do I feel like our sleeping arrangements are not working?  Lately, I have had a few people whom I trust and look up to make comments about our family sleeping arrangements:

• Not conducive to a healthy marriage (no opportunity for intimacy).
• Now that my hubby says he wants to sleep in the same bed as me again, (and I'm not sure I want to stop co-sleeping with my son), that I am not respecting/honouring my husband, (which tears me up inside, because of course I want to be with my hubby, but I also want to be the kind of mother my son needs).
• I should stop breastfeeding so my son learns to sleeps through the night.
• We should just let our son Cry-It-Out and let him learn to put himself to sleep without mommy/breasts, (but I am so fearful of the terror and doubt this will cause my little boy; and thank God, my hubby agrees with me!).

I feel like I am the only one who sees our son's personality for what it is and understands that he needs me more because of it.  I feel like I am the only one who sees the value in making the personal sacrifice of not sleeping with my hubby to give our son what he needs right now.  I didn't ask for a high-needs baby, but I've got one, so why is it wrong for me to want to parent him the way he seems to need?  Will my marriage suffer that much or are there other ways hubby and I could make up for lost time of sleeping side by side?

Hubby and I chatted last night and planned that I will continue to let our son nurse and fall asleep in bed with me and then move him to his crib once he is asleep.  This way, we hope he will grow more and more comfortable with his crib and with sleeping away from me.  But I will let him sleep with me if he needs it, i.e. teething, sick, etc. and is in need of that extra comfort.

Wifehood vs. Motherhood; why is this so hard?

Sleep Situation Update

Benjamin's been doing great at falling asleep without the breast...he feeds, I tell him it's "all done" and cover myself up.  Then we snuggle, sometimes he plays a bit and eventually he settles down on his crib mattress half-draped on me or snug up beside me and drifts off to sleep.

But guess what...Benjamin is now sleeping at least half the night IN his crib, with my bed about 2 ft away.  We started this on the 4th or 5th.  We put the crib railing back on and had a game plan of following Elizabeth Pantley's idea of moving him into the crib sleepy, but still awake, so he'd learn to fall asleep there on his own.  Matthew even moved upstairs to be with us to help me out.  It took us a few tries of him drifting off to sleep beside me, moving him, he'd get upset and stand up in the crib and cry.  We took him out and snuggled back in bed with him until he settled again and we tried to move him again.  After about an hour of this, I mentioned Pantley's "Sneaky Way", where you wait until baby is sound asleep before moving him to the crib.  We did this, waited about 20 minutes, moved him and he slept as usual, a couple hours before waking up crying and mad that he was alone in his crib.  We answered him right away (we were both sleeping 2 ft away) and brought him to bed with us for nursing and snuggles.  We repeated this throughout the night, each time he woke up, nursed, and waited for him to be asleep before moving him.

This method has been working for the last few nights...and a surprising discovery...Benjamin has stopped crying when he wakes up in his crib, he just stands up and "babbles" enough to wake me up, and with a happy, delighted tone of voice I congratulate him for good sleeping in his bed and immediately go get him and bring him into my bed.  I'm now waiting about 15 minutes before moving him back into the crib.  He barely rouses, tucks his knees under his tummy, sticking his little bum in the air and peacefully sleeps. 

I have also started putting a blanket on him; I wondered if he is waking because he is cold, since he is used to being warm beside me.  Last night was a great night...he slept in his crib for hours at a time and woke up content.  At 4am I woke him up from all my coughing, so I brought him to bed with me and kept him there for the rest of the night.  Poor guy, I hate disturbing him...that will be one bonus of being able to let him sleep alone - I won't bug him!

Snuggly Little Mister

There is something so precious about your little baby reaching out to you for hugs and snuggles! 

We are still working on Benjamin sleeping in his crib.  Currently, I nurse him in my bed, let him fall asleep for about 15-20 mins afterwards and then we move him into his crib which is 2 ft away from my bed.  When he wakes, I bring him back to bed to snuggle and/or nurse and we repeat the process. 

Last night at 4am he woke up and didn't even cry, he just made enough little noise to wake me up and I got him and brought him back to bed with me.  We had just nursed about 1 hour before, so I just snuggled him.  He started "talking"...he says 'Hi' (sounds more like 'ha'..but it's what he says when the phone rings and we answer it).  I started responding, "Hi Benjamin"...he'd say Hi...I'd say hi...we'd smile at each other and giggle together.  Then it happened for the first time...

He reached out and put his arms around my neck and pulled me close, putting our cheeks together.  AWE!  Wow...so amazing to feel your child reach out and hug you, draw you close to them and want to be close to you.  He'd weave his fingers into my hair too...I'd kiss his cheek.  I'd pull away to look at him and we'd giggle.  So adorable!  (And so impossible to begrudge the 4am wake-up!)  Maybe after 15 minutes of this snuggle game he settled in beside me and drifted to sleep.

S.T. Step 3 - Back on Track

After about four or five nights co-sleeping with me again (because he was sick and needed the comfort), I didn't know where we'd be with his sleep transitioning.  We had just put the crib railing back on when he started getting sick, so would we have to remove it and back up a step?

Two nights ago (Sunday) I nursed Mister and tried moving him to the crib. No go.  He was mad!  So, back to bed with me and he was awake and standing up at the crib railing (which is right up against the side of my bed).  So, I figured if he is happy to walk along the railing on my bed, maybe he should do it from inside the crib.  I put him back in the crib standing up at the railing.  I starting playing with him.  Tickling him through the bars, singing (which made him start dancing - a newly developed skill of his) and we were even kissing through the railings.  After about 40 minutes of this I started to get quite, I brought my pillow close by and left my arms through the crib bars and just laid still.  Eventually he stopped standing and just sat in the crib, a little whining, then he'd flop down...sit up, whine, flop, sit up, whine, flop...finally he fell asleep in his crib on his own without shedding a tear! 

Last night I nursed him at bedtime as usual and placed him in the crib; no problems, he went to sleep.   We repeated this a few times throughout the night and once he struggled to sit up in the crib after I just laid him down and cried really loud.  I laid my hand on his back and said my "key words" and he immediately flopped down and went to sleep without another peep.  Totally awesome!  I'm so proud of our little man!
Note: "key words" is a suggestion made by E. Pantley in The No Cry Sleep Solution.  She suggests repeating the same words to baby as they are falling asleep at the breast or however they usually do before you start sleep transitioning.  Then baby associates those words with sleepiness and sleep time.  I thought it was a bit silly, but I tried and perhaps it actually works!

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better...Tonight Matthew (hubby) took Mister upstairs for bedtime stories while I got ready for bed.  While I was still getting ready, he whispered downstairs to me that Mister was asleep in his lap, sitting in the rocking chair.  I suggested he try putting him in the crib just to see what would happen.  So, Matthew turned out the lamp and put Mister in the crib...no protest, no fuss; perfect!  Matthew came downstairs and that was that!  WOW!  Congrats Mister, Congrats Daddy! 

I love my "boys"!

Sleep Transition Step 3 - Progress

Things have been delayed because of Mister being sick.  He's got a cold and has needed the comfort of having mommy close at night.  But, last night we nursed at 8pm and I was able to place him in his crib and head downstairs.  Hubby and I watched some TV until almost 10pm before Mister woke and cried for us.  This is great progress!

He stayed with me the rest of the night.  He had a rough one!  Was up lots, and at 1am I gave him Tylenol and he wouldn't go back to sleep.  He was coughing lots and that was upsetting him.  I finally brought him downstairs to give him some Ventolin and Daddy woke up.  Hubby graciously sent me to bed and kept Mister with him until 6:30am...I slept like a dream and I needed it! (see above post).

Sleep Transition Step 3 - 1st Night

Last night we put the front railing back on the crib and moved my bed about a foot away (so there is standing room between to make it easier to lift him into the crib).

Bedtime arrived, we nursed in my bed and when he was very sleepy I moved him and roused during the transfer and was not going to have anything to do with his crib.  He started crying and stood up to snuggle up to my chest.  I tried laying him back down and he fussed more and stood back up.  I tried picking him up to comfort him and he nestled into my arms and laid his head on my shoulder and settled.  After a few minutes I tried putting him back in his crib and he began crying louder than before.  I snuggled him some more as he stood up in his crib, and then tried laying him back down and he started to wail; his serious "I'm not putting up with this" cry.  I scooped him up and laid him in my bed again, got in beside him and he quietly drifted off to sleep without another peep.  It was instant comfort and reassurance for him to be back in mommy's bed.  I just kept him with me for the night; as he was waking every 45mins to 1hr struggling to breathe, uncomfortable and restless.  Sometimes he wanted to breastfeed and sometimes just talking and rubbing his back was enough to help him settle.

I am attributing this behavior to the fact that he is under the weather.  We think he is teething as the last two nights have been a struggle for him.  He's been waking often and crying lots and having a tough time breathing through his nose.  We figure post-nasal drip due to teething.  But, this all could be a cold starting, so we'll wait and see how things progress. 

I'll try the crib again tonight when we go to bed, but if he is still fussy I'll just keep him with me for another night.  This set-back is to be expected when he is not feeling well and seeking more comforting and reassurance

Sleep Transition Step 2 - 1st Night

So, only a few minutes after last night's post I asked my hubby what he thought about when we should move to step two and put up the safety bed railings on my bed so there is a short barrier between my bed and Mister's crib.  We decided to go ahead and make the change last night.  We put up the railings and kept my bed right up close to the crib. So, after I nurse I have to kneel on the bed and lift Mister up and over the railing and lay him down in the crib.

He did AWESOME!  The only change was that he woke more frequently, almost every 1.5 hrs!  Ya, not cool, but it's his first night with a barrier between him and me, so I'll chalk it up to that and see if tonight goes any better.  Maybe we have to dress him a little warmer?

We are making progress and no tears from Mister (or us)!

Sleep Transition Step 1 - Progress

It's been four nights now of me nursing Mister in my bed and sliding him over onto the crib mattress.  He seems to settle really well, get comfy and go to sleep. His waking pattern has changed slightly, but this could be due to shorter or missed naps at daycare recently.  He's ready to go do around 7:30pm, has me up around 11pm, 1am, 4am and sometimes once more at 6am.  This last feeding is probably just a new waking time, not sure yet, but I feed him and keep him with me in my bed after that because we get up at 7am anyway.

I am getting tempted to put up a bed railing or even the crib bars we took off, and see how he reacts.  He needs to get used to being moved after nursing and settling himself to sleep.  I am worried about my back (recently strained) having to lift him over the railing, but I guess I just have to try it and see how it goes.  We are having a friend come over tomorrow evening to babysit while we get a RARE evening out.  So I think we will leave things as they are until Saturday night.

I am also getting anxious/starting to dread the thought of his night feedings when we are no longer co-sleeping.  We have a rocking chair in his room, but that still means I will have to get out of bed and be really awake each time he's up.  The thought of having to get out of my warm bed is disturbing. Why am I giving up the comfort and convenience of co-sleeping?  I just have to hope and pray that once Mister is comfortable on his own in his crib and my bed is out of his room, that he will start to sleep longer stretches and wake me less during the night.  If we can get him on his own, and I am not right there, he won't be able to smell me or feel me close, so maybe he won't think of nursing?  Plus, there is always the option of my hubby taking a turn at trying to comfort Mister when he wakes; which we'll only do after Mister is comfortable and confident on his own for some time.

But so far, so good...and NO crying about sleeping on a different mattress than mommy!

Sleep Transition Step 1 - 1st Night

Last night was our first night in the transition from co-sleeping to independent sleeping for our little Mister (although he hasn't a clue).

The Setup
We removed the front panel of railings from the crib and snugged the back of the crib against the wall. Then we moved my bed into his room and squished it up tightly in front of the crib.  Unfortunately we could not get the crib mattress to be the same height as my mattress (~4" difference).  This will require that I nurse him in my bed and then move him down onto the crib after each feed. (Maybe not a bad thing, since he has to get used to being moved).

The Goal
We want Mister to get used to his room and his crib; the look, feel, smell and sound of it and sleeping with a little distance between him and I.

The Plan
Because of the difference in height of the mattresses, we thought we'd let him just co-sleep with me as usual for a couple of nights to get used to the new room. Then I'd start to try moving him down onto the crib mattress after each nursing.

The 1st Night:
...but while we were nursing at bedtime, I thought, what have I got to lose if I try to move him into the crib? Let's see what he does, if he protests, I'll just bring him back to my side. So, I did the Pantley Pull Off (PPO - we've been working on this for about 10 days now) and kind of awkwardly picked him up/pushed him over into the crib. He barely stirred! Success! That was 10pm.

• 1am - 15 mins nursing and moved him back to crib. He moved around to bit, got comfortable and slept soundly.
• 3:20am - 15 mins nursing and back to crib.
• 5:15am - This is his tricky time of night, as of late. He has a tougher time getting back to sleep at this point, and likes to suckle longer...to a point of causing me pain...so he was upset when I pulled him off and hid myself away. I sang, touched, cuddled, first with me, and then with him on his own crib mattress. Eventually I did nurse him again at 5:45am and he drifted right back to sleep in his crib
  
• Daddy came to wake us both up at 7:15am!
  

Overall, it was a totally normal night for us as far as his frequency of waking to feed and settling back to sleep. I was amazed that he didn't really react to being moved to the crib (it's not a smooth motion, as the crib mattress is about 4 inches lower then my bed). So, I'll repeat this process again tonight and maybe a few more nights and see how he does. My goal will be to try to do the PPO earlier and earlier so he is more awake and more aware of being moved away from me and gets comfortable falling the rest of the way to sleep without suckling and with a little distance between us.

Discuss, Plan & Prepare

On Saturday, Mister woke for his 5am feeding and I couldn't get back to sleep afterwards. Thoughts of the reading I have been doing about transitioning him from co-sleeping to independent sleeping were starting to organize themselves in my mind.  Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution breakdown of the process has given me confidence that we can do this (and without any tears: baby or parents).

We needed a goal, what was our desired end result? There seemed to be two options, crib or mattress on the floor of his room. Which would I personally prefer? I thought the mattress idea would be easier to accomplish, but for safety and security, I thought the crib might be better. Not sure... Time to talk to my Hubby about what I have been reading and decide on a goal, then a plan could be laid out.

Over breakfast, I shared my mind-wanderings with my Hubby and we made a decision. The crib is our ultimate goal, mostly for safety reasons because Mister is so mobile now. I detailed how my research had broken down the process of the transition. It would require some furniture shifts. We agreed on a plan of action and called my dad to help with the furniture move...for the next day! (might as well jump in with both feet)!

So, my dad and his fiancee arrived in the late afternoon and within an hour had our new set up ready. Here goes nothing...

The No-Cry Sleep Solution - We can do this!

I've been reading through Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution and soaking it up.  It makes so much sense!  I now have a goal of my son being able to sleep on his own one day and confidence that we can make it happen without any crying!  In preparation for it, I have started to work on his dependence of suckling to fall asleep.  Also, looking toward a time when he is sleeping on his own, I want to have a variety of ways to comfort him, so I'm going to adopt her suggestions of a lovey and key words.

Like I mentioned, I started the Pantley Pull Off with Mister during night feedings and we are down to one PPO, rarely two.  I used to let him nurse and suckle as long as he wanted, often he'd pop off himself once he was in a deep enough sleep.  Not anymore, he nurses one side, then the other and as soon as his swallowing has stopped and the sucking has slowed, I do a PPO and he rolls over and falls the rest of the way to sleep on his own.  It's awesome!

I have selected a little blue teddy from his collection to be his 'lovey', so it 'snuggles' with us in bed when he is nursing.  And while he is drifting off to sleep I have started whispering key words (i.e. night night, sweet dreams) as sleep cues for later use when he is going to sleep on his own.

Imagine my surprise when I found Pantley's step-by-step instructions to transitioning baby from co-sleeping to his own bed!  Jackpot!  Four easy steps that I can visualize and see them working for us.  Our first issue was Mister's dependency on nursing, which we are already addressing with success.  The next big issue when he was 5 months old and we tried moving him to his crib was that he would fall asleep in our arms and wake with the slightest movement.  He needs to be able to put himself to sleep, since we can't move him once he is asleep.  Another thing is getting him used to his room, as he's hardly slept in there at all.  I can see how Pantley's step-by-step instructions will help us address the issue of him being moved and see success at the end of the tunnel.

Pantley's approach is very gentle and flexible.  She suggests completing each step for 2-7 nights, or until everyone is comfortable and ready to move onto the next step. (These steps would be similar if moving baby to a mattress on the floor and eventually into their own bed in their room).

Step 1 - Remove front railing from crib and place right alongside co-sleeping bed.  Night nurse as usual with baby on his own crib mattress and mommy on co-sleeping bed.  Therefore, nothing is really changing expect that baby is getting used to a different mattress, a little more space between mommy and baby, sounds the crib might make and being surrounded by crib railings (3 sides - likely doesn't feel as 'cagey' for baby).

Step 2 - Replace front railing on crib but keep the crib right up close to mommy's bed so baby can still see, hear, touch mommy.

Step 3 - Move mommy's bed away from the crib, but baby can still see and hear mommy.

Step 4 - Move crib to baby's room.

My brain started reeling...how can I adapt this to my little Mister and make it work for us?

• We want him comfortable in his own room, so why not do all of this in his room, then he's used to it by the time I move out?  So we'll change the suggested setting and move my bed into his room. 
• Because moving him when he is asleep has been an issue all along, he needs to get used to being moved and then finish falling asleep on his own.  So, I'll nurse him in my bed and then move him to the crib right after, when he is still not all the way asleep. 
• Once the crib railing is back on, it will be impossible for me to put him down onto the mattress asleep (I also have a bad back), he will have to go in more awake.  So we'll add an additional step between 1 and 2 and place one of our bed railings between the crib and bed, so I have to lift him over it after each nursing, so he'll get used to being picked up and moved and having to fall asleep alone with a barrier between us.

I've got to talk to my hubby about all this...I think this will work...and possibly without any crying!!!  I'm thrilled!