Parenting... the Best of Times and the Worst of Times!

I just had 2 weeks off with my son (I was off work and my son's daycare closed).  It was literally "the best of times AND the worst of times".  We made some good memories (a day-trip out with other moms and babies; playtime together in the kiddy pool, family trip, etc.) but there are also memories I wish I could forget and fear I won't.  I can't say which one of us was most frustrated or who cried more; I am still trying to convince myself I am the only one who can remember the bad times.  I have had my eyes open to the truth about parenting...it's hard and often not fun (for both parent and child).

I guess I had extra-high hopes of having a great time with my little Mister since my new job is not only full-time but permanent.  I was thinking of these weeks as a "last hurrah" of summer days together for us as Mommy and Toddler.  With our struggles to get him to nap, Hubby and I also planned to use the time to work on his sleeping ability (basically we agreed it was time to let him cry-it-out at nap times).  What we didn't factor in was the effect that would have on his personality, our relationship with him, or the rest of his established daily routines!  And niether of us even considered how "off" the time was already going to be for him, just because he was away from daycare (his "normal").  Being with Mommy all day, everyday was (I now realize) a big enough change and shock for him!

ADVICE: Never make major changes for your child when their everyday schedule is already turned upside-down!

I will forever ask myself if my son's behaviour changed so drastically these 2 weeks because of me forcing him to cry-it-out for naptime or was it just coincidence that he decided to leap head-first into his Terrible Twos at that time?  (By the way, whoever said they were terrible was sorely mistaken, they're IMPOSSIBLE Twos!)

Crying-it-Out: Had to give it a try

My son's been a co-sleeper since he was 5 months old; he' s now 20 months old.  For months now our little Mister's been taking up to 1.5hrs to wind down and fall asleep at nap times, and it's been my hubby's responsibility (twice a day) to do this...plus again in the evening at bedtime!  It's just ridiculous!  And it's critical time that we (Mommy and Daddy) could be spending together to improve our relationship! 

With me being home with our son this week and next, Hubby and I decided that for the sake of our marriage relationship and sanity, we had no other choice but to get our little Mister sleeping on his own at nap times and that letting him Cry-it-Out (CIO) would be the only way we'd ever get him to be able to fall asleep on his own.  I've been dreaming of being able to put him in his crib awake at nap times and walking away and him being able to fall asleep on his own...he does this at daycare!

Yesterday for his afternoon nap I started this process.  Took him upstairs when he was good and tired, told him it was time he napped alone and that I would be back to see him after his nap...and I left the room.  He screamed...bloody murder...for...three...long...hours!  He never fell asleep.  My hubby came home from work and got the "enjoy" the last hour of screaming while he held me as I cried my heart out.  We decided this wasn't right and we would go get our son and NEVER try this again.  When I opened his door to get him, I was slapped in the face with the stench of dirty diaper; my broken heart cracked even more.  How long had he been messy?   How could I do that do him?  Total and utter cruelty, to allow my child to be in a dirty diaper like that, screaming his head off to get my attention and me "sticking to my guns" that he was going to fall asleep alone and I was NOT going to go to him.  That is NOT the kind of parent I am!

I scooped him into my arms, both of us crying and hugged him to me as I carried him to the change table and through my tears cleaned him up.  We sat together on the bed and hugged more.  I reached for a tissue to blow my nose, wipe my tears.  Then he did the SWEETEST THING; with a big, oh-so-cute smile he climbed off my lap and grabbed a second tissue and reached out to wipe my face!  This is the child I just left screaming alone for three hours!  How forgiving, how innocent! 

At this point my hubby and I have decided that Crying-it-out is not going to work for our family.  We plan to resume our old ways; knowing that he won't demand co-sleeping at nap times forever.

Confused, Torn & Stressed about Our Sleeping Arrangements

My hubby's been sleeping in a separate room since our son was only 3 weeks old, (at the recommendation of a therapist/counselor who suggested the arrangement so he would get sleep while I took care of the baby at night).   My son began sleeping in a bassinet, but we have been co-sleeping since he was 5 mths old.  This arrangement has worked wonderfully for our family...but I am no longer so sure it's wonderful...

Our little man is now 14.5 months.  We have been using tips from The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley for the last few months to get him used to his crib.  Instead of bringing his crib into my room, we moved my bed into his room.  He still hates his crib and cannot be placed in it when he's awake.  He has to be sound asleep beside me in bed and only then be moved into the crib.  He lasts in there for anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hrs and then wakes and needs to come back to bed with me. 

Our little Mister is a "high-needs baby" as defined by Dr. W. Sears (our son is very similar to the Dr's 4th child which he writes about).  He is a wonderfully happy little guy, content and confident...as long as he is close to me (and breasts) at nap-time/bedtime and throughout the night.  People have often commented that he is the happiest baby they've ever seen.  I think it stems directly from the close bond and deep trust he has in me and his Daddy, that his world is complete and that we meet his intense needs of closeness and love.

So why do I feel like our sleeping arrangements are not working?  Lately, I have had a few people whom I trust and look up to make comments about our family sleeping arrangements:

• Not conducive to a healthy marriage (no opportunity for intimacy).
• Now that my hubby says he wants to sleep in the same bed as me again, (and I'm not sure I want to stop co-sleeping with my son), that I am not respecting/honouring my husband, (which tears me up inside, because of course I want to be with my hubby, but I also want to be the kind of mother my son needs).
• I should stop breastfeeding so my son learns to sleeps through the night.
• We should just let our son Cry-It-Out and let him learn to put himself to sleep without mommy/breasts, (but I am so fearful of the terror and doubt this will cause my little boy; and thank God, my hubby agrees with me!).

I feel like I am the only one who sees our son's personality for what it is and understands that he needs me more because of it.  I feel like I am the only one who sees the value in making the personal sacrifice of not sleeping with my hubby to give our son what he needs right now.  I didn't ask for a high-needs baby, but I've got one, so why is it wrong for me to want to parent him the way he seems to need?  Will my marriage suffer that much or are there other ways hubby and I could make up for lost time of sleeping side by side?

Hubby and I chatted last night and planned that I will continue to let our son nurse and fall asleep in bed with me and then move him to his crib once he is asleep.  This way, we hope he will grow more and more comfortable with his crib and with sleeping away from me.  But I will let him sleep with me if he needs it, i.e. teething, sick, etc. and is in need of that extra comfort.

Wifehood vs. Motherhood; why is this so hard?

Sleep Situation Update

Benjamin's been doing great at falling asleep without the breast...he feeds, I tell him it's "all done" and cover myself up.  Then we snuggle, sometimes he plays a bit and eventually he settles down on his crib mattress half-draped on me or snug up beside me and drifts off to sleep.

But guess what...Benjamin is now sleeping at least half the night IN his crib, with my bed about 2 ft away.  We started this on the 4th or 5th.  We put the crib railing back on and had a game plan of following Elizabeth Pantley's idea of moving him into the crib sleepy, but still awake, so he'd learn to fall asleep there on his own.  Matthew even moved upstairs to be with us to help me out.  It took us a few tries of him drifting off to sleep beside me, moving him, he'd get upset and stand up in the crib and cry.  We took him out and snuggled back in bed with him until he settled again and we tried to move him again.  After about an hour of this, I mentioned Pantley's "Sneaky Way", where you wait until baby is sound asleep before moving him to the crib.  We did this, waited about 20 minutes, moved him and he slept as usual, a couple hours before waking up crying and mad that he was alone in his crib.  We answered him right away (we were both sleeping 2 ft away) and brought him to bed with us for nursing and snuggles.  We repeated this throughout the night, each time he woke up, nursed, and waited for him to be asleep before moving him.

This method has been working for the last few nights...and a surprising discovery...Benjamin has stopped crying when he wakes up in his crib, he just stands up and "babbles" enough to wake me up, and with a happy, delighted tone of voice I congratulate him for good sleeping in his bed and immediately go get him and bring him into my bed.  I'm now waiting about 15 minutes before moving him back into the crib.  He barely rouses, tucks his knees under his tummy, sticking his little bum in the air and peacefully sleeps. 

I have also started putting a blanket on him; I wondered if he is waking because he is cold, since he is used to being warm beside me.  Last night was a great night...he slept in his crib for hours at a time and woke up content.  At 4am I woke him up from all my coughing, so I brought him to bed with me and kept him there for the rest of the night.  Poor guy, I hate disturbing him...that will be one bonus of being able to let him sleep alone - I won't bug him!

How to Transition from Co-sleeping to Independent Sleeping???

That is the question we have been mulling over for weeks.

We refuse to let our sensitive, lovable Mister be a victim of the heartless Cry-It-Out method.  So, since that's what most people, professionals and books advise...we've been having to really stand firm to our beliefs that it's the wrong method for our family and search for something we can feel positive about.

I have done lots of my own thinking on the matter.  I have discussed the matter with a couple of friends and family members.  I've spoken with our lactation consultant.  I've read what Dr. William Sears (one of our trusted sources of information since before Mister was born) has to say about the matter.  Although he says to make the transition slowly and offers options of a mattress on the floor at the foot of my bed, he really doesn't provide step-by-step instructions.  My brain needs to see how the process will breakdown into steps my family can see as positive and possible for all of us.

At this point, I was beginning to accept that there was NO way we would get Mister sleeping in his crib without some crying.  Dr. Sears says that a baby crying in the arms of a loving parent is NOT the same as being left alone to CIO.  So, I was preparing myself for long nights of cuddling, cradling and standing by his crib-side for as long as it took for him to fall asleep, to comfort him with voice, touch and presence while he inevitably cried, looking up at me from inside his 'cage' (that's how he'd be feeling about it). 

Today I went to Chapters see see what I could find in their baby book section.  I came across a handful of 'help baby sleep' books.  Some where immediately identifiable as CIO preachers, so I returned those to the shelf.  I found The Sleepeasy Solution and another one I can't remember the title of.  Suddenly my eyes happened upon The No-Cry Sleep Solution, and on the back cover I thrillingly noticed it was endorsed by Dr. William Sears.  I grabbed these three books and found a spot to sit and skim through them.  The Sleepeasy Solution had my attention for a while, (I believe a friend of ours had success with this method) seemingly laying out a pattern of going in to comfort baby at longer and longer intervals until he falls asleep...since I felt I was facing some crying anyway, maybe this could work?  But the more I read, the 'strictness' and rigidity of it became apparent and the more I felt in my gut/heart that this was the CIO method in sheep's clothing and definitely not for us.  I put the book back.

Could there really be a No-Cry Sleep Solution out there, as the book proclaimed?  I skimmed through it, noting that the author herself (Elizabeth Pantley) co-slept with all four of her own kids.  Cool, maybe I was onto something.  She talks about her own love of breastfeeding and co-sleeping in a manner that totally warmed my heart, as she described exactly how I felt about the experience.  At last I felt like I had found an author who understood me, my family and the connection we have with our son and that we didn't want to risk losing that connection as we transition him from co-sleeping to independent sleeping.  Naturally, I bought the book.