Confused, Torn & Stressed about Our Sleeping Arrangements

My hubby's been sleeping in a separate room since our son was only 3 weeks old, (at the recommendation of a therapist/counselor who suggested the arrangement so he would get sleep while I took care of the baby at night).   My son began sleeping in a bassinet, but we have been co-sleeping since he was 5 mths old.  This arrangement has worked wonderfully for our family...but I am no longer so sure it's wonderful...

Our little man is now 14.5 months.  We have been using tips from The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley for the last few months to get him used to his crib.  Instead of bringing his crib into my room, we moved my bed into his room.  He still hates his crib and cannot be placed in it when he's awake.  He has to be sound asleep beside me in bed and only then be moved into the crib.  He lasts in there for anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hrs and then wakes and needs to come back to bed with me. 

Our little Mister is a "high-needs baby" as defined by Dr. W. Sears (our son is very similar to the Dr's 4th child which he writes about).  He is a wonderfully happy little guy, content and confident...as long as he is close to me (and breasts) at nap-time/bedtime and throughout the night.  People have often commented that he is the happiest baby they've ever seen.  I think it stems directly from the close bond and deep trust he has in me and his Daddy, that his world is complete and that we meet his intense needs of closeness and love.

So why do I feel like our sleeping arrangements are not working?  Lately, I have had a few people whom I trust and look up to make comments about our family sleeping arrangements:

• Not conducive to a healthy marriage (no opportunity for intimacy).
• Now that my hubby says he wants to sleep in the same bed as me again, (and I'm not sure I want to stop co-sleeping with my son), that I am not respecting/honouring my husband, (which tears me up inside, because of course I want to be with my hubby, but I also want to be the kind of mother my son needs).
• I should stop breastfeeding so my son learns to sleeps through the night.
• We should just let our son Cry-It-Out and let him learn to put himself to sleep without mommy/breasts, (but I am so fearful of the terror and doubt this will cause my little boy; and thank God, my hubby agrees with me!).

I feel like I am the only one who sees our son's personality for what it is and understands that he needs me more because of it.  I feel like I am the only one who sees the value in making the personal sacrifice of not sleeping with my hubby to give our son what he needs right now.  I didn't ask for a high-needs baby, but I've got one, so why is it wrong for me to want to parent him the way he seems to need?  Will my marriage suffer that much or are there other ways hubby and I could make up for lost time of sleeping side by side?

Hubby and I chatted last night and planned that I will continue to let our son nurse and fall asleep in bed with me and then move him to his crib once he is asleep.  This way, we hope he will grow more and more comfortable with his crib and with sleeping away from me.  But I will let him sleep with me if he needs it, i.e. teething, sick, etc. and is in need of that extra comfort.

Wifehood vs. Motherhood; why is this so hard?

Sleep Situation Update

Benjamin's been doing great at falling asleep without the breast...he feeds, I tell him it's "all done" and cover myself up.  Then we snuggle, sometimes he plays a bit and eventually he settles down on his crib mattress half-draped on me or snug up beside me and drifts off to sleep.

But guess what...Benjamin is now sleeping at least half the night IN his crib, with my bed about 2 ft away.  We started this on the 4th or 5th.  We put the crib railing back on and had a game plan of following Elizabeth Pantley's idea of moving him into the crib sleepy, but still awake, so he'd learn to fall asleep there on his own.  Matthew even moved upstairs to be with us to help me out.  It took us a few tries of him drifting off to sleep beside me, moving him, he'd get upset and stand up in the crib and cry.  We took him out and snuggled back in bed with him until he settled again and we tried to move him again.  After about an hour of this, I mentioned Pantley's "Sneaky Way", where you wait until baby is sound asleep before moving him to the crib.  We did this, waited about 20 minutes, moved him and he slept as usual, a couple hours before waking up crying and mad that he was alone in his crib.  We answered him right away (we were both sleeping 2 ft away) and brought him to bed with us for nursing and snuggles.  We repeated this throughout the night, each time he woke up, nursed, and waited for him to be asleep before moving him.

This method has been working for the last few nights...and a surprising discovery...Benjamin has stopped crying when he wakes up in his crib, he just stands up and "babbles" enough to wake me up, and with a happy, delighted tone of voice I congratulate him for good sleeping in his bed and immediately go get him and bring him into my bed.  I'm now waiting about 15 minutes before moving him back into the crib.  He barely rouses, tucks his knees under his tummy, sticking his little bum in the air and peacefully sleeps. 

I have also started putting a blanket on him; I wondered if he is waking because he is cold, since he is used to being warm beside me.  Last night was a great night...he slept in his crib for hours at a time and woke up content.  At 4am I woke him up from all my coughing, so I brought him to bed with me and kept him there for the rest of the night.  Poor guy, I hate disturbing him...that will be one bonus of being able to let him sleep alone - I won't bug him!

Sleep Transitioning Update

We have been working on this again.  For the last week or so I have been nursing Benjamin in my bed and sliding him over onto his crib mattress to sleep.  When he wakes in the night, I bring him back onto my bed, nurse and slide him back over onto his crib mattress. 

The first few nights were tough.  The move rouses him and he was not impressed to be moved away from beside me, so he was awake and up and moving around his crib for almost an hour.  Over time he got tired enough to snuggle down and fall asleep, usually half on his crib mattress and half draped over me in my bed.  He would slowly reposition himself onto his own mattress and put himself to sleep. 

After a few nights of moving him onto his crib mattress after he was done nursing, he finally started to stay relaxed and would just roll onto his tummy, stick his butt in the air and fall asleep.

Perhaps in a few days, we'll put the safety bed rails back up on my bed and start having to lift him into the crib.

S.T. Step 3 - Back on Track

After about four or five nights co-sleeping with me again (because he was sick and needed the comfort), I didn't know where we'd be with his sleep transitioning.  We had just put the crib railing back on when he started getting sick, so would we have to remove it and back up a step?

Two nights ago (Sunday) I nursed Mister and tried moving him to the crib. No go.  He was mad!  So, back to bed with me and he was awake and standing up at the crib railing (which is right up against the side of my bed).  So, I figured if he is happy to walk along the railing on my bed, maybe he should do it from inside the crib.  I put him back in the crib standing up at the railing.  I starting playing with him.  Tickling him through the bars, singing (which made him start dancing - a newly developed skill of his) and we were even kissing through the railings.  After about 40 minutes of this I started to get quite, I brought my pillow close by and left my arms through the crib bars and just laid still.  Eventually he stopped standing and just sat in the crib, a little whining, then he'd flop down...sit up, whine, flop, sit up, whine, flop...finally he fell asleep in his crib on his own without shedding a tear! 

Last night I nursed him at bedtime as usual and placed him in the crib; no problems, he went to sleep.   We repeated this a few times throughout the night and once he struggled to sit up in the crib after I just laid him down and cried really loud.  I laid my hand on his back and said my "key words" and he immediately flopped down and went to sleep without another peep.  Totally awesome!  I'm so proud of our little man!
Note: "key words" is a suggestion made by E. Pantley in The No Cry Sleep Solution.  She suggests repeating the same words to baby as they are falling asleep at the breast or however they usually do before you start sleep transitioning.  Then baby associates those words with sleepiness and sleep time.  I thought it was a bit silly, but I tried and perhaps it actually works!

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better...Tonight Matthew (hubby) took Mister upstairs for bedtime stories while I got ready for bed.  While I was still getting ready, he whispered downstairs to me that Mister was asleep in his lap, sitting in the rocking chair.  I suggested he try putting him in the crib just to see what would happen.  So, Matthew turned out the lamp and put Mister in the crib...no protest, no fuss; perfect!  Matthew came downstairs and that was that!  WOW!  Congrats Mister, Congrats Daddy! 

I love my "boys"!

Discuss, Plan & Prepare

On Saturday, Mister woke for his 5am feeding and I couldn't get back to sleep afterwards. Thoughts of the reading I have been doing about transitioning him from co-sleeping to independent sleeping were starting to organize themselves in my mind.  Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution breakdown of the process has given me confidence that we can do this (and without any tears: baby or parents).

We needed a goal, what was our desired end result? There seemed to be two options, crib or mattress on the floor of his room. Which would I personally prefer? I thought the mattress idea would be easier to accomplish, but for safety and security, I thought the crib might be better. Not sure... Time to talk to my Hubby about what I have been reading and decide on a goal, then a plan could be laid out.

Over breakfast, I shared my mind-wanderings with my Hubby and we made a decision. The crib is our ultimate goal, mostly for safety reasons because Mister is so mobile now. I detailed how my research had broken down the process of the transition. It would require some furniture shifts. We agreed on a plan of action and called my dad to help with the furniture move...for the next day! (might as well jump in with both feet)!

So, my dad and his fiancee arrived in the late afternoon and within an hour had our new set up ready. Here goes nothing...

The No-Cry Sleep Solution - We can do this!

I've been reading through Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution and soaking it up.  It makes so much sense!  I now have a goal of my son being able to sleep on his own one day and confidence that we can make it happen without any crying!  In preparation for it, I have started to work on his dependence of suckling to fall asleep.  Also, looking toward a time when he is sleeping on his own, I want to have a variety of ways to comfort him, so I'm going to adopt her suggestions of a lovey and key words.

Like I mentioned, I started the Pantley Pull Off with Mister during night feedings and we are down to one PPO, rarely two.  I used to let him nurse and suckle as long as he wanted, often he'd pop off himself once he was in a deep enough sleep.  Not anymore, he nurses one side, then the other and as soon as his swallowing has stopped and the sucking has slowed, I do a PPO and he rolls over and falls the rest of the way to sleep on his own.  It's awesome!

I have selected a little blue teddy from his collection to be his 'lovey', so it 'snuggles' with us in bed when he is nursing.  And while he is drifting off to sleep I have started whispering key words (i.e. night night, sweet dreams) as sleep cues for later use when he is going to sleep on his own.

Imagine my surprise when I found Pantley's step-by-step instructions to transitioning baby from co-sleeping to his own bed!  Jackpot!  Four easy steps that I can visualize and see them working for us.  Our first issue was Mister's dependency on nursing, which we are already addressing with success.  The next big issue when he was 5 months old and we tried moving him to his crib was that he would fall asleep in our arms and wake with the slightest movement.  He needs to be able to put himself to sleep, since we can't move him once he is asleep.  Another thing is getting him used to his room, as he's hardly slept in there at all.  I can see how Pantley's step-by-step instructions will help us address the issue of him being moved and see success at the end of the tunnel.

Pantley's approach is very gentle and flexible.  She suggests completing each step for 2-7 nights, or until everyone is comfortable and ready to move onto the next step. (These steps would be similar if moving baby to a mattress on the floor and eventually into their own bed in their room).

Step 1 - Remove front railing from crib and place right alongside co-sleeping bed.  Night nurse as usual with baby on his own crib mattress and mommy on co-sleeping bed.  Therefore, nothing is really changing expect that baby is getting used to a different mattress, a little more space between mommy and baby, sounds the crib might make and being surrounded by crib railings (3 sides - likely doesn't feel as 'cagey' for baby).

Step 2 - Replace front railing on crib but keep the crib right up close to mommy's bed so baby can still see, hear, touch mommy.

Step 3 - Move mommy's bed away from the crib, but baby can still see and hear mommy.

Step 4 - Move crib to baby's room.

My brain started reeling...how can I adapt this to my little Mister and make it work for us?

• We want him comfortable in his own room, so why not do all of this in his room, then he's used to it by the time I move out?  So we'll change the suggested setting and move my bed into his room. 
• Because moving him when he is asleep has been an issue all along, he needs to get used to being moved and then finish falling asleep on his own.  So, I'll nurse him in my bed and then move him to the crib right after, when he is still not all the way asleep. 
• Once the crib railing is back on, it will be impossible for me to put him down onto the mattress asleep (I also have a bad back), he will have to go in more awake.  So we'll add an additional step between 1 and 2 and place one of our bed railings between the crib and bed, so I have to lift him over it after each nursing, so he'll get used to being picked up and moved and having to fall asleep alone with a barrier between us.

I've got to talk to my hubby about all this...I think this will work...and possibly without any crying!!!  I'm thrilled!

Pantley Pull Off (PPO) - to wean babies from dependent suckling

Pantley detailed my son to a tee when she discusses a baby who requires the action of suckling to fall asleep.  His dependence on the breast to fall asleep and stay asleep was going to have to change if we wanted him to go to sleep on his own.  If I pulled away while Mister was still not fully asleep, he would just root around until he found the breast again...or wake up trying.  The thing that struck me is Pantley's gentle and flexible approach.  She advises that if you do a PPO and baby roots, go ahead and give him back the breast right away (don't let him wake fully in his hunt).  Count to 10 or so and try another PPO.  Repeat this process until baby is content when you pull away.  I wondered if I'd get anywhere with this, but I needed to try so I began to implement Pantley's Gentle Removal Plan (a.k.a. Pantley Pull Off - PPO) that night.   

It took five or six PPOs before Mister gave up the breast the first time I tried the technique.  During the first night, this reduced to three or four PPOs each nursing.  Within a matter of nights we were down to one or two PPOs and he would no longer root, just roll over and settle on his own.  So, after months and months of dependency on suckling to fall asleep, he is learning to put himself to sleep without it! WOW!  Awesome technique!  This is going to help us out immensely when we start transitioning him to sleep on his own.

How to Transition from Co-sleeping to Independent Sleeping???

That is the question we have been mulling over for weeks.

We refuse to let our sensitive, lovable Mister be a victim of the heartless Cry-It-Out method.  So, since that's what most people, professionals and books advise...we've been having to really stand firm to our beliefs that it's the wrong method for our family and search for something we can feel positive about.

I have done lots of my own thinking on the matter.  I have discussed the matter with a couple of friends and family members.  I've spoken with our lactation consultant.  I've read what Dr. William Sears (one of our trusted sources of information since before Mister was born) has to say about the matter.  Although he says to make the transition slowly and offers options of a mattress on the floor at the foot of my bed, he really doesn't provide step-by-step instructions.  My brain needs to see how the process will breakdown into steps my family can see as positive and possible for all of us.

At this point, I was beginning to accept that there was NO way we would get Mister sleeping in his crib without some crying.  Dr. Sears says that a baby crying in the arms of a loving parent is NOT the same as being left alone to CIO.  So, I was preparing myself for long nights of cuddling, cradling and standing by his crib-side for as long as it took for him to fall asleep, to comfort him with voice, touch and presence while he inevitably cried, looking up at me from inside his 'cage' (that's how he'd be feeling about it). 

Today I went to Chapters see see what I could find in their baby book section.  I came across a handful of 'help baby sleep' books.  Some where immediately identifiable as CIO preachers, so I returned those to the shelf.  I found The Sleepeasy Solution and another one I can't remember the title of.  Suddenly my eyes happened upon The No-Cry Sleep Solution, and on the back cover I thrillingly noticed it was endorsed by Dr. William Sears.  I grabbed these three books and found a spot to sit and skim through them.  The Sleepeasy Solution had my attention for a while, (I believe a friend of ours had success with this method) seemingly laying out a pattern of going in to comfort baby at longer and longer intervals until he falls asleep...since I felt I was facing some crying anyway, maybe this could work?  But the more I read, the 'strictness' and rigidity of it became apparent and the more I felt in my gut/heart that this was the CIO method in sheep's clothing and definitely not for us.  I put the book back.

Could there really be a No-Cry Sleep Solution out there, as the book proclaimed?  I skimmed through it, noting that the author herself (Elizabeth Pantley) co-slept with all four of her own kids.  Cool, maybe I was onto something.  She talks about her own love of breastfeeding and co-sleeping in a manner that totally warmed my heart, as she described exactly how I felt about the experience.  At last I felt like I had found an author who understood me, my family and the connection we have with our son and that we didn't want to risk losing that connection as we transition him from co-sleeping to independent sleeping.  Naturally, I bought the book.