Broken & Spilt Out

This is about the hardest waiting period I have ever endured. I feel like I am on trial, waiting for the jury to return with my fate. Yesterday Matthew and I faced some truths which had remained omitted/hidden/avoided.

It is never easy to be broken before someone you respect, look up to and/or want to impress. It is so hard to face them with your broken past, your life's truths spilt out around you; exposed. I have never felt so naked, so vulnerable.

Now I wait.

This makes me think of my God, my Saviour. He loved me enough to allow his body to be broken and his blood to be spilt out so that I might return to my heavenly Father one day. This sacrifice goes beyond anything a human could/would do for another, yet that's not the amazing part. The most miraculous point is that Christ did it without any guarentee that I would accept his sacrifice. He exposed himself, willingly, freely; in hope, and out of love...with prayers that one day, I would realize the truth of how he suffered. That he did it for me so that I coule come Home to Him.

Christ knows better then any of us what it means to suffer, and hurt, and feel hurt by others. Wow...my God LOVES me. In this moment; today, tomorrow and forever; He's the ROCK on which I will stand!

Answers

Ya, it's late. I know, I should be in bed. I just wanted to type out some of my recent thoughts about Answers.

Answers are the basis of educational grading...correct answers grant you the right of passage, while the wrong answers (or no answers) is grounds for failure; detainment.
Answers are a means of discovering...a way of finding out information.
Answers are a trigger for some to take flight; they're frightening...providing an answer is risking personal exposure.

Answers are too frequently missed;

the questions drift outside of memory.

Do you pray? (If you don't, you should). If you do, you ask God for things. Do you get answers? Do you know the answers before you pose the questions? I bet you know the answers you'd like! Do you remember every question you have ever posed to God? Have you received answers to all of them? Some of them? Any? How about writing questions down, so the answers can be recognised when they come???

In the last year, my family fell apart. Sure, it's something that began to unravel long ago, but the year saw the final cut. My brother was lost to the family, and with him we lost his wife and kids. My father walked away from my mother. And I couldn't help but feel like he walked away from me too. I now know that he left his wife, not his daughter; for man has found a way to erase the covenent of marriage, but cannot reclaim his genes.
In the last year, I returned Home; into a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I came from so far away, I wish I didn't recall. But then, I wouldn't have a testimony of just how awesome my God is.

I prayed for some form of restoration in my family.
The seperation went through.

I prayed for restoration in my family.
The divorce papers were filed.

I kept praying...

I prayed for guidance in my fallen relationship with my father.
We visited last week!

I prayed for my broken family; my brother and his family.
We saw him and his wife at Easter!
...And tomorrow, my mom will get to visit them and the grandchildren!!!

PRAISE GOD FOR

ANSWERS!!!

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

this week has been rather gloomy. it matches my mood. i guess you could say that i had a very high High this week, as well as a very low Low. the High obviously being progressive discussions with Matthew about where our relationship is at and where we hope it's headed. the Low being a rather cold email from my dad, basically telling me to have a nice life, as he leaves the country in 23 days. yup, he's moving to the czech republic. he'll be back here to teach four months a year, but that's it. and sadly, he doesn't even want to keep in touch with me via email. how weird is that? how do I deal with that? what is a daughter to do when her own father doesn't work to hold on to her friendship? oh, apparently, if the timing is not right (for his schedule) he has stated he will not return to canada for my wedding, (whenever that is); that comment was in his email too. is there anything i could do to mend our relationship? does he want a new life so badly that he is willing to write us all out? i pray he is doing what will make him happy. but i also pray that when i celebrate my 50th, i'm surrounded by family and friends.

tomorrow is the final ANC youth group event of the year. The Amazing Race!!!! pastor steve has put so much effort into organizing this event, and we all just spent the evening completing the final touches. i hope and pray that everyone has fun and stays safe tomorrow and saturday. i am so excited about this event, but you wouldn't know it from my behaviour tonight. i feel bad about my actions tonight...i wasn't in the best of moods, obviously, and it showed. now i feel like i let my friends down by not being the happy me they know and love. so the secret is out, i can be a great complainer when the mood strikes me. do you know how hard it is to keep smiling when it's the last thing you feel like doing? sometimes, i guess my sadness leaks out as complaints. perhaps a good cry would be a better option? does anyone understand how new events and situations stress me out beyond belief? am i the only one that feels like this? any tips on how to handle it?

tomorrow is friday, end of the work week...oh yeah, i got a breakfast date tomorrow with my best friend, sarne. there are things i need to share with him too which are worrying me. it will be hard to talk to him about it; but usually the best results aren't products of easy tasks. wish me luck and/or pray for me as i face a few tough situations in the approaching days!