Waiting On God?

My mind is full...ya, even more than usual. Life is full, with summer over, organizing my fall schedule takes over; planning and waiting for things to start. The coming busyness scares me. Yet I can't wait to settle into a routine. School starts in eight days; is that good or bad? Will I have a car to get myself to school? Too many thoughts running way too fast to type...

Once again Matthew and I had a serious conversation yesterday, centered around the progression of our relationship. I'm frustrated, and he is waiting. He doesn't know what he's waiting for. This frustrates us both. He is waiting on God. Who am I waiting on? I've been waiting on Matthew. This is so wrong; I need to change my focus, but how?

This summer, I read the first book of the New Testament, the book of Matthew. (haha...not on purpose, just starting my own journey through the NT). I was actually surprised by how many of the tales I was familiar with, but I wanted to read it because I had never read through it myself. The end of the book was surprising, I didn't realize how much Jesus focused on preaching about his second coming, and how that should be our primary focus, our deepest desire in life; to reunite with Him.

Lately, my deepest desire is to be close to Matthew. To share every possible moment we can. Have I put God on the backburner? I know we focus on keeping God as the "glue" in our relationship; we pray together daily. There is no doubt that we both want and need God in the center of our relationship. What have I personally done to bring God closer to us? I don't know. Am I letting us down? Am I letting Matthew down? Most importantly, am I letting God down?

Am I setting a good, godly example for others? What would others say if they knew my heart? Here I am about to take on leadership of the Jr High Bible Study...am I ready for that? I so want to be; I feel like it's something God is asking me to try. Is it possible to never disappoint God? Do I really understand that nothing I do will make Him love me more, or make Him love me less? That is an amazing promise!!! ...Is it something that can be easily manipulated?, or taken advantage of? How have I honoured God lately?

The desire to share my life with someone (Matthew...hehe), the need for a companion, a soulmate, a life partner, is so strong...shouldn't I desire God's closeness a whole lot more??? Shouldn't I be ready and waiting for Christ's return, and not longing that I get to experience marriage and motherhood first? How do I alter my heart's desires, if I should?

How do I remove the pressure I place on Matthew; and place my trust in God? I am confident in our future together, and for that I am so greatful. God has surpassed both of our wildest dreams in the partner He's brought us. Will God not do the same throughout our relationship; in His perfect timing, surprise us beyong our wildest hopes?!?! What an amazing God we have...a Father who delights in giving us the things we desire.

God, please help my heart refocus and delight in You! Help me be patient in waiting to join my life with Matthew. Help me to want the things you have set aside for me on this day and each day that follows. Help me to bring my impatience to You, and not pressure those around me.
I love you, God...and want to show you my love through my words and my actions. Help me to do that. Help me to wait on You.
Amen